For the past few days I’ve been giving myself Reiki treatments before I go to bed. Reiki is a Japanese healing method that also helps reduce stress and promotes relaxation. For those of us who are healers and caregivers know that sometimes we tend to neglect our own needs. Last weekend I developed a really sore throat and my body felt like it was hit by a truck. I have so many things to take care of and there never seems to be enough time in the day for me to complete tasks.

Yet I have made a promise to myself for the new year: To focus on my healing process and releasing a lot of the hurt I’ve been carrying for the past few years. Next month I’ve scheduled a Reiki session, colonic and a Hot Stone massage for myself. This is long over due. There was a time where I would actually feel guilty doing something like this for myself (I still struggle with this.) My Venus Square Saturn kicks in when it comes time for me to receive gifts or love of any kind. I’m working towards deprogramming myself. It’s not always easy, and there have been moments when I fall back into this way of thinking. I’m getting there slowly.

I had my first Reiki session in 2006. This was shortly after my grandmother had died. I had met someone who was heavily into metaphysics and healing. He had given me a brief attunement and told me how closed my heart chakra was. When I gave myself a self healing treatment I began to cry when I would place my hand over my heart chakra (The third position in the diagram) It felt as though a flood gate had been opened. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I slept better than I have in a long time, and some of the aches and pains I was experiencing were alleviated.

This morning I did a brief meditation using my new Oracle deck: Magical Mermaids and Dolphins, By Doreen Virtue (Once I get a new camera I will load pictures of the cards.) I pulled the Positive Energy card. Below each card is an affirmation. The one below this card reads: “Surround yourself with positive people and situation, and avoid negativity.” My heart has been heavy for a few weeks now. There have been intense moments of sadness and loneliness that I’ve been experiencing. Life is all about ebb and flow. I allow myself to feel what I need to feel in order to heal and release negative emotions. I don’t avoid my feelings. I let them flow. I just can’t hold back sometimes, nor should I.

I’m steering clear of the news, negative/hateful videos on the internet (especially ones about black women, and there are hundreds of them) And negative themes in general. I’m also focusing on my physical environment. I plan on redecorating my apartment and I’ve already donated a lot of my daughters old clothing and toys (I hate clutter!) Removing clutter from our homes allows new energy to circulate in the space. It also promotes creativity and good health.

Marie Antoinette The Queen of retail therapy!

For the past few weeks I’ve been having some   curious dreams. I’ve discussed my Progressed Moon in Scorpio and how it has impacted me emotionally. I’ve also discussed the dark/erotic/zombie dream when the Sun entered Scorpio. Now my Progressed Venus has entered Taurus, and my dreams have taken on a different tone. My subconscious mind has introduced me a generous sugar-daddy/husband archetype and I don’t know how to make heads or tails of it.

There is a recurring theme in the three dreams that I had about this rich mystery man: Building and Construction of property. All of the dreams take place in houses/apartments that are under some kind of repair or construction. Since I’m discussing Venus I look at the houses in my natal chart that are ruled by Venus. These are the first and eighth house. I have Libra rising, and Taurus on the cusp of the 8th. Venus rules love, money, relationships, and things of beauty! My dreams have explored all of these topics.

Below are a few snippets of the dreams I’ve been having:

• The first dream too place in an apartment. There were painters in the apartment and everything was covered in sheets to protect the furniture from the paint. My “husband” is at a small table reading the news paper. He hands me an envelope filled with money and tells me he’s going to help me with my finances/Saving. I’m completely surprised and put the envelope in my purse. I go into the bedroom to take a nap and he swims into the room (yes, swims) The room isn’t filled with water but we floats in like he’s in water. He hands me another gift: A gorgeous gold bracelet with tiny pearls. I wake up…
• The second dream has me living someplace hot and dry. Me and the “Husband” are in our car. We’ve been there for a few days, because there are repairs being done on our home. (Again construction is taking place) There was some kind of leak in the house and we were afraid the ceiling would come down on us.
• The third dream starts off with me getting a phone call from the “Husband.” He’s upset because he’s sick and claims no one has come to visit him. He’s in a hospital out of state. I tell him I didn’t have the money to just hop on a plane and fly all over the globe. I then go on a rant about how tired I am, and how I never go out to eat and just enjoy myself. He tells me to go to our home. I go home, and this new house is under construction! As I enter there’s this huge hall. It’s been turned into a romantic restaurant complete with candles and flowers on every table. A man who is setting up tables tells me, “Your husband had this created since you don’t go out to eat much.” I could not believe it…

Since a Venus ruled sign (Taurus) is on my 8th house cusp I’ve been keeping a close eye on that house. The 8th house deals with shared resources (Is this where the well-to-do-husband is coming from?) money, property, all kinds of investments, wills, and inheritances. On the flip side of that, the 8th house is also considered an occult house; dealing with issues such as death, (Scorpio is the 8th sign in the Zodiac) Ritual work, transformation and the after life. I have Venus in Pisces in the 5th house (And Libra Rising) So I know a thing or two about having an eye for beauty and romance! It just seems like all of these feeling and desires have gone into over drive. I’ve become almost obsessed with acquiring beautiful things and redecorating my home.

I’ve also developed a bit of a Marie Antoinette obsession as well! She too was a Water sign (Scorpio) with a Sun/Venus conjunction in the 5th (Like Moi) And Neptune in the 2nd house like me. I don’t intend on bankrupting a country anytime soon, but I understand the desire to escape sometimes through a little retail therapy!

 On New Years Eve, I had a bizarre dream about a sea creature. Below is a description of the dream:

I was in a large museum where there were various glass tanks with different animals/creatures in them. There was one creature that really stood out. It looked like a flat snake with multiple legs, and as I moved in to get a closer look, I was warned to back away. The person who was head of the exhibit told me: “Don’t get too close. They are very clingy. They stick to you. They feel loved by it. It keeps them alive.” I backed away from the tank, and left the room to go to the bathroom.

I was walking down a hall that had wooden walls, and wood floors. I was carrying a blanket in my hands with satin trim. It was like a baby blanket, really soft. The blanket was dragging on the floor, and when I looked down at it, the sea creature was stuck to it. I wanted to touch it, so I leaned down to place my hand on it. I was then yelled at by the head of the exhibit. He was so angry at me for trying to touch this creature. I woke up…

I am not very good at deciphering dreams. As intuitive as I am, I sometimes struggle with being blocked. What stood out for me, was the description of this animal. Words such as Clingy and loved were used. Was this dream about me? As a Pisces, I do become clingy, especially when I’m deeply in love with someone. I recorded this dream in my dream journal. I’ll wait and see where this takes me.

I’ve been spinning mentally and emotionally for the past few weeks. I also haven’t been meditating every night like I used to. That’s going to change this year. I told myself I will meditate, even if its for a few minutes. It really helps to center me and gives me a sense of security. I have many things I would like to blog abut for 2012. I have some Astrology books I would like to write about, and I would also like to delve more into my work with crystals, and chakra healing. 2012 is the year of Healing for me. I’m excited about what the future holds.

The Moon is currently in charming Libra, and we have a New Moon in Capricorn approaching on Christmas eve. New Moon’s are an excellent time to plant the “seeds” of new projects (Especially a few days after the New Moon) And with this New Moon being in Capricorn we may be focusing on our own authority, self-discipline and long range goals. This New Moon will be @2 degrees Capricorn square my natal Pluto in Libra in the 12th house, and I’ve been feeling a lot of heaviness lately. To say I can’t wait for all this holiday hoopla to pass would be an understatement.

The New Moon will conjunct Pluto, and Square Uranus in Aries. I’m anticipating many emotional triggers on this day, but luckily this event also receives some cosmic love from Jupiter. We’ll all be getting our acts together emotionally when the Moon trine’s Mars in Virgo; giving us the tools to be motivated and action oriented. This Moon phase will be in my third house of communication and I’ve been doing a lot more writing. I’m finding it easier to find inspiration (Transiting Neptune in Pisces) and build structured stories. I haven’t let anyone read my short stories yet, but in 2012 I plan on joining the Gotham Writer’s Workshop here in New York. There are major changes on the horizon.

My days at my current job are numbered. Transiting Saturn is Squaring my MC at 23 degrees Cancer and I feel stifled. I have Chiron (Wounded/Healer) in Aries in the 6th house, so whatever profession I partake in will involve some form of service/healing. I’m also still doing energy work to keep myself grounded in this body I have. I’m just at a point where I feel I have gone as far as I can with the job I’m at.

Capricorn excels when it comes to discipline and during this New Moon, we need to ask ourselves: How can I work on building character and completeness? I believe this New Moon will give us all answers.

Today has been filled with a lot of emotional upsets. I’ve been under so much stress and keeping my feelings deeply buried doesn’t help any. I keep a lot to myself, and rarely do I turn to someone for help. I’m always the one assisting others in their healing process. I’m holding onto a lot of anger towards certain people in my life. Releasing isn’t always easy for me. Something usually sets me off, and then I break down. I used to go to therapy and in the new year, I plan on returning. There are things I can’t seem to figure out on my own.

My relationship with my ex (My daughter’s father) has become increasingly strained. The less I speak with him the better, but that’s not always easy to do when you have a child with someone. We exchanged some heated words via email, and I just started feeling sick to my stomach. Health wise I’m a pretty tough person, but lately I haven’t been sleeping too well, and I stay exhausted most of the time. I’ve promised myself to commit to my emotional well-being. I’m frustrated, and I don’t know how to handle the tense relationship with my daughter’s father. I have to much anger towards him that its difficult for me to think straight.

I’m not perfect. I’m struggling with my emotions on a day-to-day basis. I have a lot of big dreams and career goals. My children inspire me, and keep me focused on the things I would like to accomplish for the new year. I just don’t want to get derailed and start having second thoughts about myself. I give my ex way too much power. Despite these difficult bumps in the road, I am looking forward to the future. I just want a little peace of mind.

Healing Incense:

• 3 parts Myrrh
• 1 part Rose Petals
• 1 part Eucalyptus
• 1 pinch Saffron
• Few drops of Cedarwood oil

Today the Moon is in Nurturing Cancer and I’ve been a big ball of emotions for the past few days. I have so much on my plate in terms of work and my daughter, that I rarely make time for myself. I have these mini meltdowns every now and then, because I take on way too much. Very rarely do I admit to the people that I know that I feel overwhelmed. I’m such a walking contradiction, that sometimes I don’t really understand myself.

I love my space (Moon in Gemini) and my freedom (Uranus conjunct Ascendant) but I do have moments when I obsess over having a partner (Libra Rising). When I got divorced from my Taurus husband, I remained pretty open to love. My Venus in Pisces is in the fifth house, so I am very much a hopeless romantic even though I hide it (Venus Square Saturn). I’ve been on my own for so long now I honestly don’t know if I would know how to share my world with someone. I consider myself a pretty strong person but there are moments when I become tired of being strong. I have days where I want someone to take care of me, cook for me, do this damn laundry for ME!

Anyone with Venus Square Saturn knows how difficult this aspect can be. I really don’t know how to kick back and relax or do anything nice for myself, and if I do buy myself something I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Even admitting that I want someone to take care of me sometimes makes me cringe. “Oh stop being such a baby”! I tell myself. As a Pisces I do the whole Martyr thing beautifully. Its what I do best. I need to cut it out to be honest with you. I had a little pity party last night—I can’t lie. I cried it out and felt a lot better. I’ve been buying myself little gifts and I tell myself that I deserve it, that I’m worth it. I have a long way to go when it comes to this self-love thing.

Cancer Oil (Moon Child):

• 4 drops of Palmarosa
• 1 drop Camomile
• 1 drop Yarrow

 I make it my business to meditate every night before going to bed. It helps me to relax, and I always sleep soundly. I usually sit in a lotus position and do a guided Chakra meditation, but last night I decided to rest on the sofa while meditating.

I love stones/crystals, especially Quartz crystals. Last night I used a small Quartz crystal during my meditation. Quartz can be used for redirecting energy, and to amplify both body energy and thoughts. It can also be used to facilitate both speaking with and receiving information. As I went deep into meditation, I saw lakes and rivers and was surrounded by nature. It was extremely soothing and my mind felt calm and clear after the meditation. I’ve been a bit anxious since I’ve been thinking of starting a small business. I love to make soaps and candles (I’ve given some to friends) and would like to create organic products. The new year will be major for me in terms of career changes.

I’ve cleared a lot from my life. I’ll be 39 in March, 40 is right around the corner, and I found myself drifting from certain people. I closed my Facebook account, deleted a few blogs and have reached out to old and new friends who are closer to my age and share the same interests. 2012 will be about getting my finances in order, and going back to school to study Reiki and healing. I have the planetoid Chiron (Wounded healer) in my sixth house of service and I feel like being in a caring field and creating products that provide healing is my calling. I’m not out of the woods yet—there are still some old wounds I carry that I will definitely be working on.

Tomorrow is a Full Moon in Taurus. This Full Moon is on the eve of 11/11/11. Anyone who knows anything about Numerology knows that 11 is considered a master number (I was born on March 11th. As a career number 11 is associated with inspirational writing, Astrology, Metaphysics, and Numerology.) Master numbers are powerful and can be used to draw upon cosmic forces for inspiration. There are big changes taking place in the Universe for all of us and with Neptune stationing direct in Pisces I hope that we can draw from spirituality for healing and understanding.Whether Christian, Jew, Hindu, Muslim or Buddhist, we are all in this together.

Here’s a few Full Moon Incense you can create and burn while you meditate or Moon gaze:

Full Moon Incense #1

• 3 parts Frankincense
• 1 part Sandalwood

Full Moon Incense #2

• 2 parts Sandalwood
• 3 parts Frankincense
• 1/2 part Gardenia petals
• 1/4 part Rose petals
• A few drops of Ambergris oil

Psychic Self Defense from Michael Zinker on Vimeo.

These are wonderful tools for those of us who absorb energy. I’m a major psychic sponge and I find myself completely drained after dealing with people at work, over the phone and even on social media like Twitter.

 I woke up this morning feeling a sense of heaviness that was difficult to shake. My sleeping patterns have been off for a few years now and I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be able to get a good night’s sleep again.

Reality has become difficult for me to deal with. During the Fall/Winter months I always feel a sense of sadness. My Mother’s birthday is December 14th and my Grandmother’s birthday is December 23rd. I find myself thinking about the both of them a lot lately. Both of them were very much a mystery to me, and very wounded in their own way. I was raised by my grandmother, but I never really knew her. She was a very private woman who kept a lot of things deeply buried (She had a Scorpio Moon) and there was always this darkness around her. Though my grandmother didn’t open up to me often, I knew even as a young girl, that she had many “demons”. She was holding onto so much pain. I could feel it.

My mother was always child like to me. A Sagittarius with a Libra Moon, she was an avid reader and such a pretty and brilliant woman. My heart aches for my mother. My heart has ached for her since I was a child. I so desperately wanted to be close to her, and hold her. My mother just did not love herself. Her choices in men, and her drug-addiction destroyed her. I close my eyes at night and tell her how much I love her, how much I needed her. Like me, my mother was a hopeless romantic. She just wanted to be loved. While I was pregnant with my daughter, she wrote me the most amazing letters. My mother carried so much guilt for not raising me and my older sister. It haunted her.

I have my moments: Days when I feel unlovable, unworthy and all alone. Today was one of those days. I allow myself to feel what I need to feel in order for me to heal the best way I know how. There is so much I’m struggling with.

By the power of all that transforms, You challenge us to forever stoke the inner flame. May we go forth with lust for life…

Today the ghouls and goblins are among us. The Neo-Pagan year ends on Samhain, which falls on October 31st/November 1st. During Samhain the Sun is in Pluto ruled Scorpio the Planet of death and transformation, named after the God of the Underworld. Samhain is the holiday of the deceased and during this time of the year the land of the dead blends with our own. I’ve lost quite a few people that I love dearly during a difficult Pluto Transit to my natal Moon in 2005. During this time of the year, I think of both my Grandmother and Mother often. The barren trees and cold weather sometimes trigger depression in me and I try my best to stay motivated, which isn’t always easy. I’ve been feeling uninspired and unmotivated lately. These feelings are fleeting and usually something comes along that inspires me.

While doing a meditation I used the Deviant Moon Tarot as my guide. I pulled The Hanged Man card. The hanged man is suspended in limbo. He is apathetic and feels no urgent need to alter his situation. Time waits for none of us (Note the clock dangling from his I know I need to free myself from certain patterns, or life will pass me by. The hanged Man is the 12th card in the Major Arcana.