Creating my altar

 A few nights ago, I was thinking about starting my own little altar. What inspired me was the deaths of both my Grandmother, my Mother and the Mexican holiday El Dia  de los Muertos , or Day of the dead. What I love about this holiday, is the celebration of those we have lost. Though my altar will have influences from this holiday, it will mainly be an altar that celebrates the feminine.

I plan on having statues of  Yoruba goddess yemaya [goddess of the sea. It suits me because I'm a pisces!] and other goddesses such as bast, isis, diana, juno, and kali. I’ve wanted to do this for the longest time, but I never took the time to make it happen. This is one of my goals for 2010; to make things actually happen!  It would also be nice to have a special spot in my apartment just for me. I spend so much time working, and taking care of everyone else, that I almost never have time for myself. I have to also get out of thinking this means I’m selfish. It just means I’m human. There is nothing wrong with that!

For the past few months, I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed. This fall weather doesn’t help much either. As much as I love the fall, I find myself getting more down since the days are shorter. At 5pm, it’s already dark out, and it can be a bit depressing. Yet, I always find the time to thank the creator for all that I have. I feel blessed to have a job, when so many have either lost theirs, or are still trying to find one. I have to admit that I’ve been having some financial trouble, but I know that god will find a way for me and my daughter to be comfortable. I’m just thankful to be alive!

Yoruban Goddess of the sea Yemaya

It’s time to really Live

I haven’t been blogging as much as I would like, because earlier this week I started a new job. I work at a hospice here in Manhattan, and by the time I get home I am exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. At first I didn’t think I could handle being in a hospice. The night before of my first day, I could barely sleep. When I arrived at work, everything seemed to come naturally to me. There was no fear or nervousness. I take care of two patients, and they feel very much like my children.

Being surrounded by death every day makes me look at life differently now. I really want to live. I feel as though I’ve been sleepwalking for the past few years. I just feel like now is the time to accomplish so many things. Life is short, and I really don’t want to spend wondering “What If”?. I feel as though I’ve wasted alot of time. I’ve been thinking of the past quit a bit, and I get angry at myself for all of the watsed opportunities. I’ve always wanted to attend a writer’s work shop, get my Phlebotomy liscence, and learn German. I’m just praying that the creator gives me the time and energy to accomplish these things. I’ve also been going to bed earlier, and getting more rest. I’m a pretty restless person, and very much a night person, so I hate sleeping. In order for me to deal with work, and a two year old, I have to be rested.

As difficult as these past few months have been [Tension with my daughter's father, and money woes] I feel fairly optimistic. I’m learning to take it one day at a time, and what I feel like I can’t handle, I give it to God. There is but so much I can control, and my stress level has been through the roof. I just ask that god protect me, keep me focused and strong!

The Master Cleanse

Today I’ve started the Master Cleanse and we’ll see how it goes. This is my second try at this thing. The first time I called it quits after just four days. There was just way too much temptation in my house after goign food shopping the day before. In addition to that, feeding my toddler was murder! I would be looking at her food like a mad woman, and I have to admit, I licked a few spoons!

My goal is to cleanse my system, and loose ten pounds. If there are any of you that have been on the cleanse, stop by and give me some words of encouragment, because I’m going to need all the hlp I can get! I will be blogging about my progress and doing reular up dates. I’ve used Blackstrap molasses instead of syrup, because I cannot stand that syrupy taste. The mst difficult part for me, is the SWF [Salt water flush] I drink this upon waking on an empty stomach [It cleans you out big time!] the taste is beyond awful, because I hate salt. I buy unsalted chips, and when I buy thos pretzels from the vendors here in New York, I scrape all of the salt off. I’m just not a salty individual!

I hope everyone has a happy Halloween. We’re not going trick-or-treating. We’ll be going out to do some laundry. The day is pretty grey here in New York. Hope to be hearing from you guys!

Letting go of the person I used to be

This is the book I am currently reading, and it has quickly become one of my favorites. It stood out for me, because I tend to hold onto things, and I live in the past quit a bit. I promised myself that I would start working on healing myslef, and letting go of things I no longer need to carry. This book has been a huge help, along with prayer, and my journal writing. I’ve been having vivid dreams recently, and I keep a dream jornal by my bed. A few nights ago I had a dream about my grandmother. This is only the second time I have had a dream about her since her death on September 9th of 2005.

I will blog about my dream, and discuss some of the writing assignments that “Letting go of the person you used to be” deals with. I’m tired, and I’ve had a long day. I want to blog more often here, and hopefully I’ll be back in the swing of things!

My Window

Ganesh, originally uploaded by missnicole3.

This is a photo I took with my cell phone of my window ledge. I like to collect interesting beverage bottles, and hindu statues. I usually put plant clippings in the bottles, and watch them grow, and then transfer them to a nice pot.
I also have a mini-urn with some of my grandmother’s ashes in them. This way she’s able to get some sun light, and see what’s going on! I miss her a lot, and it’s nice to know that a part of her is home with me. She also used to keep her bedroom really dark! We used to complain about it all the time. Now she has no choice but to get some sunlight!

Daily Thoughts

Today it’s a rainy day here in New York City, and I’m feeling a bit depressed. I know it will pass, and these feelings of mine, come and go. Yesterday was my daighter’s second birthday, and we just spen the day together, just the two of us. We’re very close, and I see a lot of myself in Aneksi. She is a sweet little girl, and I feel blessed to have her. I will be starting a new job soon, and hopefully once all is settled, I will be able to blog on a more consistant basis.

Happy Pisces Full Moon!

There will be a full Moon in Pisces  tonight @12 degrees [Conjunct my Venus in the 5th by the way] Take this time to connect with the divine, and yourself!

Oil Cleansing

I’ve been away for quite some time now, dealing with alot of things. These little blogs of mine keep me sane, and bring me so much joy. I really love writing, and I also like the comments and feedback I get on my blogs. They really inspire me, and make me want to continue what I’m doing, thanks!

As you all know, I love books. I am always ordering books on Amazon.com, or checking out what’s new at Barnes & Noble [I used to work there years ago.]. Last year I bought this book, “Anoint Yourself With Oil”. I tend to buy quite a few books at once, and then I don’t get the time to sit and read them. This is a small book, but it’s packed with so much info on differen’t oils. I’ve been using the OCM skin regimine. This is the Oil cleansing method. I’ve had some bad breaks outs since the death of my grandmother back in 2005. When I became pregnant with my daughter Aneksi, my skin was Gorgeous! All I needed was a mild cleanser from the Body Shop, and I was good to go, but once she was born, I was pushing myself, working and commuting and then my mother died suddenly, and my skin became very stressed out.

I make my own OCM with Olive Oil, and tead tree oil. You can also combine Olive Oil with Castor oil. Castor oil in known for it’s excellent detoxifying properties. Castor oil packs can be used for every thing from liver problems to fibroids. I rub the oil mixture onto my skin like a cleanser. I was scared at first, because I have very oily skin, but the cleansing method has done wonders for my face! It’s also a bit of a spiritual ritual for me. I do it every night, and while I rub it into my skin, I say prayers, or meditate a bit. A hot towel is them placed on the face, and them you can follow with what ever cleanser you choose.

I’m trying to find ways to relax, and take a little time for myself. With a busy, and energetic soon-to-be two year old running around moments like these help alot!

Saturn as Awakener

“When something is complete there is an ending. it is often through a shock, and abrupt halt of motion, or disturbance of harmony that alerts us to endings-to the consciousness that whatever it was, is now over. When a natal planet recieves an aspect from transiting Saturn, we are being challenged to awaken from sleep”-Saturn In Transit, Erin Sullivan

I purchased this book months ago, because I knew I would be having some major Saturn action going on in my natal chart. The above quote stands out for me, because there has been a halt of motion in my life. I had certain plans, that sounded great in my head, but when I tried to execute them, they fizzled. I feel as though the universe has slapped me, and shook me. It’s time to get “real”, and I’m feeling the pressure big time. This is the first time in my life, that I’ve been out on my own. I went from living at home, to living with a husband, to getting dovorced, and then moving back home. These transits I’m having are also forcing me to ask myslef what my legacy will be. What do I hope to accomplish in this life of mine. Mortality is on my mind alot too. I will not live forever, and loosing my grandmother, and my mother has made me think of death often.

It’s funny, because I was born with Saturn in Gemini, in the 8th house. The 8th house deals with death among other things, and death is something I’m curious about. I don’t think of it in terms of something that should be feared, or something thats spookey or evil. It amazes me how some people actually view death that way. For instance, when the Bodies Exhibit came to New York, alot pf people called it Controversial. What is controversial about death? When my mother died, after the sadness wore off, I became fascinated by her soon to be journey. I began to think about how wonderful it will be for her, to accomplish all of the things she was not able to do in this life. Despite her flaws, she was such an interesting, and inelligent woman. She will be able to share her gifts in a new incarnation.

Saturn deals with death in alot of ways, and I think death makes me think of living. I mean, really living. Loosing two people who meant so much to me, made me realize how alive I am. Looking at my children makes me understand that no matter how much bullshit the universe throws my way, I’m Here. To know that I’m on this glorious ball in the middle of  the cosmos, with a space created just for me, is a humbling feeling. And it makes all of this madness worth it!

Is having a breakdown a bad thing?

This post will seem weird to some people, but I’m very in touch with myself on an emotional level. I’ve had mini-breakdowns in the past, and there was always a sense of relief, when I would go and speak to my therapist [who I stopped seeing by the way] I started seeing my thereapist after my divorce was finalized, because I had a lot of anger towards my ex-husband. I feel as though I’m going to have to go into hiding or something. Saturn will be transiting my 12th house soon, and I’m sure I’ll be back in my therapists’ office dealing with certain things.

I feel as though everything is coming full circle. I’m feeling extremely exposed, and vulnerable, and I don’t like feeling this way. I’ve been in hiding since late June to be honest with you, and I do make it my buisiness to take my daughter out. I’ve been avoiding friends [I know, I suck..] and my own family. I’m just walking around with a tremendous amount of shame, guilt, and anger. To be honest with you, the only thing keeping me afloat are my children. I’ve been “sleep” walking for about 5 years now. This is not something that has happened over night. I’m really good at masking things from other people. I’ve even mastered hiding things from myself.

There is the part of my spirit, that is telling me, that all will be ok. This is not the first time I’ve crashed and burned, and i’m sure it won’t be the last. I just feel extremely robotic all the time, just floating through life, and having this strong, intense need to move forward. I’m trying to put things behind me, and they keep popping up like weeds. This is a sign that I need to face some things about myself. My eating issues [I battled an eating disorder in my 20's], my issue of not forgiving people who have hurt me, my extrenely negative views of myself, and my intelligence, my obssesion/dislike of my daughters father, I mean, I could go on all day about what’s bugging me!

It’s funny, I’ve been reading Erin Sullivan’s book, “Saturn In Transit-boundaries of mind,body, and soul”, and she discusses not forcing yourself to be social during a saturn transit. I’ve been doing this, and It’s unfair to other people. I’ve flaked out twice on meeting up with friends, knowing damn well, my emotional and mental state is shot. Who the hell wants to hang out with someone who’s unravelling?

I don’t know..It’s amazing how no matter how hard we try to hide certain things that are going on in our lives, everything some how comes out in the wash..